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It’s hard to express myself nowadays. I don’t know why but upon my face.. I only have one expression: tiredness.

I can’t sleep regularly anymore. I get too fed up over the smallest drama. I’m sensitive to many things. I can hardly get my body off of my bed. I can’t think without having to take more than a few minutes to process it. I’m just tired.

Tired of feeling that I’m losing my friends. Tired of hoping for something new to come along and maybe.. just maybe I can refresh myself and start over again. Tired of putting the effort and being rejected every time my hand reaches out to those that I care for. Tired of having this burning pain of failure.

I’m just tired of life, and it’s obstacles. But honestly, who isn’t?

Is it crazy that I’m afraid of a relationship?

When I say that to people.. people freak out. They say, “GIRL YOU DON’T NEED A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW. DON’T GET INTO ONE.” Well that’s not what I meant.

I’m at the point where I see the beauty of being single. Through my eyes, I see these colorful pictures ahead of me and a bright future not too far ahead. I can sense the love and the support people have given me. I could feel my heart racing for new things to come yet pacing it to live in the moment. The idea of achieving and growing stronger mentally and spiritually makes me so happy. Looking back at my past isn’t a reason for me to cry anymore but pushes me to realize how much I’ve accomplished.

I don’t want to lose this fuel and this drive. I don’t want to lose my focus over love and a boyfriend anymore. Don’t want to live for someone other than myself and the people I love. I’m just scared that I’ll throw it all away for someone one day, and I’ll be too blind to see it. 

I really wish I could just get heart surgery, so I don’t have to have this feeling eating me up inside. I just want to have a system to bump blood back into my system, so I can fall in love with something else. It doesn’t have to be a person, but something that will keep me safe… happy.. and something that will just make me thirsty to keep pushing myself to be better.

Is it crazy to say that I want to work on my birthday?

I just feel like my birthday happens every year and it’s nothing special to me anymore. Plus this year.. I don’t deserve it.

I know I’m being really negative about this but..

it’s really hard to see people celebrate it and be there for me when I screwed up so many times this year. Why should I let the people I love treat me like a princess when I was a terrible person? Being able to spend time with their love ones is a gift that’s earned. I haven’t earned it at all this year.. Not at all

So disappointed when some guys only want girls for their body.

Hope

I have fallen in love how your smile brightens my day. Fallen in love how you made me enjoy every moment I have with you. Continuously think about how when our eyes meet.. it seems like it was fate for us to find each other.

Though behind that smile, it’s a mask where you hide all your pain. Through the laughter, it was a sound to suppress the yells and cries you had. Your eyes tells me that you see the future and how bright it could be, but it’s only  for a second then you go back to remembering the past that haunt you at night.

I know I’m not a doctor to make the disease that has been eating you inside go away. I’m not a time traveler that could erase what happened before. I’m not psychic where I read your mind whenever you’re sad or mad.

But I know I’m that one person that could make you laugh whenever I say stupid things. Make you become silly and let yourself out of your shell. Do things that you never done or felt before. So give me a chance. To hug you when you feel alone or upset. Let me guide you when you’re lost. To cherish you till the end. Help you understand how great of a person you are because I know I’ll make you truly happy one day. 

Baggage

Everyone has baggage. Some may have too much and some may have slightly none, but in reality.. we all do in some form: physically, mentally, or spiritually.

Based on my past relationships… I had a lot of baggage. Maybe too much for a man to carry.I tend to choose a boyfriend that barely has any, but I don’t mean to. As I pick up his, and he’ll pick up mine… I could see that I barely struggled. On the other hand, he was sweating. To be honest, I don’t mind helping because a relationship takes two to make things work, yet always my boyfriend had too much pride to let a lady help him out. We carried it up the stairs because the elevators weren’t working. I saw my love one struggle and couldn’t reach to the floor that we were staying at. Though, I was able to reach to our room without a sweat.


I’m not trying to say that my past boyfriends weren’t man enough or didn’t have the physical strength to carry it. I’m saying that sometimes the best relationships and the ones that you love the most.. doesn’t reach to the potential you want it to be or doesn’t work out. Sometimes when it comes to love.. you can’t expect a man to carry all your baggage; you just need to somehow turn around and a guy is carrying it without being asked. Sometimes unexpectedly, you’ll probably carry his but without knowing. When you enter into the hotel, even if the elevator works or you guys have to use the stairs… it’ll be effortless to carry it. When you guys both reach to the same floor together, you know it’s worth it. Baggage comes in different weights and different sizes… At the end of the night, are you willing to open it up and really see what’s inside.

Finally cleaning up my room.

Tossing the old

Bringing in the new

Breaks my heart to see you like this..